Chocolates, Smoke, & Decaf

i don't need much of material possessions,
for what good does it bring if at the end of the day you feel empty?

i don't need a glamorous life...
a simple, uncomplicated one with someone i love & care deeply would be enough.




i need to be in control of my time.
        ...‘coz all i have is NOW.
        ...to make things right.
        ...or to just bum around whenever i want to.


i need to escape from the hassles & bustles of life
        ...‘coz i only live once, and i need to regain my sanity.
        ...to just relax- sun bathing, star gazing, & go nature tripping.


i want to be a GYPSY
         ...to be independent...to travel...to wander...and nurture my soul.


i want to be like CHOCOLATES
        ...be sweet, fattening, and elevate those happy hormones all the time.


i want to be like a SMOKE
        ...be carefree, vanish, and be ONE with the wind.



i want to be like a DECAF
         ...be lively, restless, high yet grounded.




i'm a GYPSY.
...and i want to be like CHOCOLATES, SMOKE, and DECAF.

blue roses... i never had.

keep on playing:

             LULLABYE (by: Shawn Mullins)

...but she'd be a whole lot prettier
if she smiled once in a while.
'coz even her smile looks like a frown,
and she's seen her share of devils in this angel town.

"........Everything's gonna be alright... rockabye...rockabye..."

"........Everything's gonna be alright... rockabye...rockabye..."

"........Everything's gonna be alright... rockabye...rockabye..."


so, when is it going to be "alright"?

oh well... it's just a song...

it stays just a song. just a song.
.


SHIT.

Beauty & Madness

" i guess i could be pretty pissed-off about what happened to me...
but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world.

sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once.... and it's too much!!!

my heart fills up like a balloon... that's about to burst!!!

and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it.
and then it flows through me like rain... and i can't feel anything but gratitude
for every single moment of my stupid little life...

you have no idea what i'm talking about, i'm sure.
but don't worry...... you will someday.  "

think again.

i wish it was just a bad dream.

a nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nobody wanted that to happen.
.
.

so, you think you all know everything about what happened that time....?????
.
.

think again.

impossible is nothing

IMPOSSIBLE is just a big word
thrown by small men who find it easier
to live in the world they've been given
than to explore the power they have to change it.


IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A FACT.
IT'S AN OPINION.

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A DECLARATION.
IT'S A DARE.

impossible is potential.
impossible is temporary.


.
IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.

indie.....indenial?

Last Monday night, after work, my officemates and i stayed for a while to witness a garden wedding at the golf course.The three of us were NOT actually related/connected to the couple.
So you see, we were merely plain SPECTATORS... standing at the far side.
the weather was perfect. the set-up was elegant with strictly all-WHITE motif.
the bride looked simple yet so beautiful...the groom looked neat, tall, and handsome.
the ceremony started... with a heavenly chant.... then, the bride walked slowly...
this is it.
                 "Please, don't let this feeling end,
                  It's everything I am,
                  Everything I wanna be..."
The three of us felt like we were "swallowed" by that romantic moment.
i got chills.

Kath:                  hala Zhands... naunsa man na imong mata???
Ma'am Yvette:      Oo nga... ba't parang teary eyed ka???
Me:                     Wala uy! Kamo jud!   (a little embarassed)
Ma'am Yvette:       It's okay to cry dear...

duh!! why should i??! for no reason???     they were both teasing me.
hmmmm..... okay...... so i got teary eyed..... a BIT.
it was INVOLUNTARY..... (pakshyeeet!!! bakyeeet???!!)

i'm NOT a "love song fan-kind of person"
and i didn't even know its title!
but for some reason, i was caught off guard...and it somehow struck me.

We decided not to finish the ceremony.
i went home..... and sleep.
                 "Please, don't let this feeling end,
                  It might not come again,
                  And I want to remember..."
it's only now that i happen to know the title.
               ".....Looking through the eyes of love."

Well, it's a good thing that i'm home... for now, i'll just sleep on this.
Zzzzzzzz......    ; p

refresh

the last quarter of this year has brought new beginnings.
things are quite going well these days.
i have picked up the pieces... starting to live one day at a time.
...i deserve this.

... i'm loving it!!!!!   cheers!!! ^_^

current mood: happy, elated

current theme song for my self:

           TODAY
(by: Smashing Pumpkins)

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrows much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
Of saving face


Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever known.
               

for the LOVE of NUMBERS

i like numbers.
hmmm.... i used to love numbers.
i could still remember those days when i was so hooked-up solving math problems.
well, most people think that math sucks.
but for me, it was sort of a relaxation and i enjoyed the feeling of natural euphoria when i arrived the right answer after the very long equation and solution.

...those younger days when i used to help our store, and i was assigned to give change to the customers. my parents were amazed that i was able give the exact/right  change...they find it cute...that their little daughter already know how to add and subtract at a very young age... well, just those very basic M.D.A.S. thing...okay.

it was then they knew that our store won't be lugi (bankcrupted) hehehe... ^_^

that's the start of my "affair" with MATH.
that's the beginning of my PASSION FOR NUMBERS.

... those days when our elementary teacher forced us to memorize the multiplication table at the back of our notebook. i actually didn't like it. until i discovered the "secret logic" behind it..... one thing also inspired me to become "obsessed" about math were the teachers who were so passionate to teach students. they're very patient to let the struggling ones to catch up.
... those days when i joined math quiz bee...it was challenging but i had fun.
... and during high school days when algebra was introduced. we all had hard time about it. but my interest just got intense... and it would take me until dawn just to solve a single math problem.

and at that moment, i knew that math and i shared this certain nice “vibes"
... that's the reason why i took up ENGINEERING in college...

yeah... FOR THE LOVE OF NUMBERS.

but things were not that smooth and easy.
i was just so naive then. i didn't have a glimpse where would it lead. i just followed what i liked doing... solving math problems.


differential, integral, probability,statistics, even higher ECE math were okay for me......
but the succeeding ones have given me vertigo...and heartaches.
little did i know that the already complicated turned  shitty...
i just lost interest. period.

...i got discouraged. 

...the environment was different. it was tiring.
...there's no more dedicated professors to look up to.
...the approach was different. a lot of external factors also contributed. i don't know. for some reason, it just sucks.
i hate electronics. i just loved math. period.
my so called passion turned out to be a "heavy task" that needed to be done. my heart wasn't there any longer. the only target was just to pass.
i didn't give-up...i've gone this far... I COULD NOT afford give up... that's all.


where have the passion gone? i don't know...
thankfully, i've made it.

but my strong passion for numbers has just died.
a part of "me" has died as well.
so, i just let it rest in peace...  for now.
amen.

weird, crazy, scary?

I recently got a text message form my network  provider.
Well, they usually send me these kind of quotes  which i didn't even subscribe in to.
but this one somehow got "dramatic" intro to me.
it says:
                 "Maybe you're just SCARED,
                  :
                  because for once in your life,
                  someone actually wants to be with you...
                  and have fallen for you"

... oh come’ on... is that something which someone  should be scared of???!!
... unless you're like Dr. Gregory House who's  uncomfortable with personal connections
... or does my network provider have this sixth sense  that they can tell i'm now turning to be like one???! (seriously??!)  ahahaha! ^_^

On the more significant side, the latest national news says that our government is SCARED or worried about us not  getting enough rain during this supposed to be RAINY SEASON.
yah know...this could be a sign of DROUGHT...and leads  to electricity crisis in our country. and then, this might give the president the EMERGENCY POWER thing (and stuffs like that). which then, leads to SCARE Filipino masses about  this power thingy... and blah, blah... etc., etc.

So you see, it's just a normal response that one  get SCARED when the "usual" or the EXPECTED thing in a supposed time to happen, DID NOT happen... because there must be something  WRONG... that is still UNKNOWN.

but you know what's much scarier???

it's when ZHANDRA actually wakes up pretty much earlier than the usual on regular days. when i say "earlier", it's the time wherein the  MOON and the STARS are still hanging up in the sky… and the SUN is having a good night slumber (still on its R.E.M stage)
... maybe, she CANNOT sleep at all ???

Why scary? because times like this make her mind  wanders a lot. and tends to OVER ANALYZE some  things.

... or maybe, it's NOT that scary at all.
perhaps she just realize that her
"REALITY is much BETTER than her DREAMS"

... hmmmmmm.....interesting... yet BLURRY.

she then wonders which is less scary:

              SOMETHING UNEXPECTED HAPPEN,
       or    SOMETHING EXPECTED DID NOT HAPPEN???
... either way around,
              it could bring RELIEF and GRATITUDE
              or give HEART BREAK and CRUSH SOMEBODY'S SOUL.

sweet resurrection

half a decade of struggles to get "there"
and now, that "there" is finally "here"
i'm relieved, freed, overwhelmed- like a young poet
gazing at the sky, breathing fresh air, tasting every inch of it.
:
wounds are healed and turned into a beautiful scar
to remind me that i have survived and gone this far.
my sweet smiles are once again resurrected
prettier, wittier, stronger… i'm elevated!

:
now, i'm once again hungry for new knowledge and learnings
i'm thirsty to discover inspiration from simple little things.
to meet new interesting people that could touch my life
to explore, seek, find, and be somebody else's light.
:
i'm no longer afraid
to fall, stand up... to fall some more... and finally fly!