impossible is nothing

IMPOSSIBLE is just a big word
thrown by small men who find it easier
to live in the world they've been given
than to explore the power they have to change it.


IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A FACT.
IT'S AN OPINION.

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A DECLARATION.
IT'S A DARE.

impossible is potential.
impossible is temporary.


.
IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.

indie.....indenial?

Last Monday night, after work, my officemates and i stayed for a while to witness a garden wedding at the golf course.The three of us were NOT actually related/connected to the couple.
So you see, we were merely plain SPECTATORS... standing at the far side.
the weather was perfect. the set-up was elegant with strictly all-WHITE motif.
the bride looked simple yet so beautiful...the groom looked neat, tall, and handsome.
the ceremony started... with a heavenly chant.... then, the bride walked slowly...
this is it.
                 "Please, don't let this feeling end,
                  It's everything I am,
                  Everything I wanna be..."
The three of us felt like we were "swallowed" by that romantic moment.
i got chills.

Kath:                  hala Zhands... naunsa man na imong mata???
Ma'am Yvette:      Oo nga... ba't parang teary eyed ka???
Me:                     Wala uy! Kamo jud!   (a little embarassed)
Ma'am Yvette:       It's okay to cry dear...

duh!! why should i??! for no reason???     they were both teasing me.
hmmmm..... okay...... so i got teary eyed..... a BIT.
it was INVOLUNTARY..... (pakshyeeet!!! bakyeeet???!!)

i'm NOT a "love song fan-kind of person"
and i didn't even know its title!
but for some reason, i was caught off guard...and it somehow struck me.

We decided not to finish the ceremony.
i went home..... and sleep.
                 "Please, don't let this feeling end,
                  It might not come again,
                  And I want to remember..."
it's only now that i happen to know the title.
               ".....Looking through the eyes of love."

Well, it's a good thing that i'm home... for now, i'll just sleep on this.
Zzzzzzzz......    ; p

refresh

the last quarter of this year has brought new beginnings.
things are quite going well these days.
i have picked up the pieces... starting to live one day at a time.
...i deserve this.

... i'm loving it!!!!!   cheers!!! ^_^

current mood: happy, elated

current theme song for my self:

           TODAY
(by: Smashing Pumpkins)

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrows much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
Of saving face


Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever known.
               

for the LOVE of NUMBERS

i like numbers.
hmmm.... i used to love numbers.
i could still remember those days when i was so hooked-up solving math problems.
well, most people think that math sucks.
but for me, it was sort of a relaxation and i enjoyed the feeling of natural euphoria when i arrived the right answer after the very long equation and solution.

...those younger days when i used to help our store, and i was assigned to give change to the customers. my parents were amazed that i was able give the exact/right  change...they find it cute...that their little daughter already know how to add and subtract at a very young age... well, just those very basic M.D.A.S. thing...okay.

it was then they knew that our store won't be lugi (bankcrupted) hehehe... ^_^

that's the start of my "affair" with MATH.
that's the beginning of my PASSION FOR NUMBERS.

... those days when our elementary teacher forced us to memorize the multiplication table at the back of our notebook. i actually didn't like it. until i discovered the "secret logic" behind it..... one thing also inspired me to become "obsessed" about math were the teachers who were so passionate to teach students. they're very patient to let the struggling ones to catch up.
... those days when i joined math quiz bee...it was challenging but i had fun.
... and during high school days when algebra was introduced. we all had hard time about it. but my interest just got intense... and it would take me until dawn just to solve a single math problem.

and at that moment, i knew that math and i shared this certain nice “vibes"
... that's the reason why i took up ENGINEERING in college...

yeah... FOR THE LOVE OF NUMBERS.

but things were not that smooth and easy.
i was just so naive then. i didn't have a glimpse where would it lead. i just followed what i liked doing... solving math problems.


differential, integral, probability,statistics, even higher ECE math were okay for me......
but the succeeding ones have given me vertigo...and heartaches.
little did i know that the already complicated turned  shitty...
i just lost interest. period.

...i got discouraged. 

...the environment was different. it was tiring.
...there's no more dedicated professors to look up to.
...the approach was different. a lot of external factors also contributed. i don't know. for some reason, it just sucks.
i hate electronics. i just loved math. period.
my so called passion turned out to be a "heavy task" that needed to be done. my heart wasn't there any longer. the only target was just to pass.
i didn't give-up...i've gone this far... I COULD NOT afford give up... that's all.


where have the passion gone? i don't know...
thankfully, i've made it.

but my strong passion for numbers has just died.
a part of "me" has died as well.
so, i just let it rest in peace...  for now.
amen.

weird, crazy, scary?

I recently got a text message form my network  provider.
Well, they usually send me these kind of quotes  which i didn't even subscribe in to.
but this one somehow got "dramatic" intro to me.
it says:
                 "Maybe you're just SCARED,
                  :
                  because for once in your life,
                  someone actually wants to be with you...
                  and have fallen for you"

... oh come’ on... is that something which someone  should be scared of???!!
... unless you're like Dr. Gregory House who's  uncomfortable with personal connections
... or does my network provider have this sixth sense  that they can tell i'm now turning to be like one???! (seriously??!)  ahahaha! ^_^

On the more significant side, the latest national news says that our government is SCARED or worried about us not  getting enough rain during this supposed to be RAINY SEASON.
yah know...this could be a sign of DROUGHT...and leads  to electricity crisis in our country. and then, this might give the president the EMERGENCY POWER thing (and stuffs like that). which then, leads to SCARE Filipino masses about  this power thingy... and blah, blah... etc., etc.

So you see, it's just a normal response that one  get SCARED when the "usual" or the EXPECTED thing in a supposed time to happen, DID NOT happen... because there must be something  WRONG... that is still UNKNOWN.

but you know what's much scarier???

it's when ZHANDRA actually wakes up pretty much earlier than the usual on regular days. when i say "earlier", it's the time wherein the  MOON and the STARS are still hanging up in the sky… and the SUN is having a good night slumber (still on its R.E.M stage)
... maybe, she CANNOT sleep at all ???

Why scary? because times like this make her mind  wanders a lot. and tends to OVER ANALYZE some  things.

... or maybe, it's NOT that scary at all.
perhaps she just realize that her
"REALITY is much BETTER than her DREAMS"

... hmmmmmm.....interesting... yet BLURRY.

she then wonders which is less scary:

              SOMETHING UNEXPECTED HAPPEN,
       or    SOMETHING EXPECTED DID NOT HAPPEN???
... either way around,
              it could bring RELIEF and GRATITUDE
              or give HEART BREAK and CRUSH SOMEBODY'S SOUL.

sweet resurrection

half a decade of struggles to get "there"
and now, that "there" is finally "here"
i'm relieved, freed, overwhelmed- like a young poet
gazing at the sky, breathing fresh air, tasting every inch of it.
:
wounds are healed and turned into a beautiful scar
to remind me that i have survived and gone this far.
my sweet smiles are once again resurrected
prettier, wittier, stronger… i'm elevated!

:
now, i'm once again hungry for new knowledge and learnings
i'm thirsty to discover inspiration from simple little things.
to meet new interesting people that could touch my life
to explore, seek, find, and be somebody else's light.
:
i'm no longer afraid
to fall, stand up... to fall some more... and finally fly!

sana TAKE-OUT nalang

katatapos ko lang manood ng palabas sa dvd...
actually, di ko na tinapos.  sobrang mushy kasi ng storya..
alam ko rin naman ang ending. typical na boy-meets girl-happy-mushy-ending.
eh sila-sila lang naman ang kini-kilig dun.
eh bakit ba? wala ako sa mood para kiligin ngayon noh!

12:30 na pala ng madaling araw.
gusto kong kumain ng mid-night snack.. yung mainit sana na sopas.
so, umalis muna ako saglit ng bahay...
at tumungo ako mag-isa sa 24-hours open na pagkainan...at nag order.

"yes,  one congee... buchi...and brewed coffee please..."

dun ako umupo sa gitnang dulo.
habang hinihintay kong lumamig konti ang mainit na congee.

nahulog yung kutsara ko... kaya tumungo ako sa counter para humingi ng bago..at bumalik sa aking table.

buti pa 'tong kutsara... palaging may tinidor sa tabi.

napatingin ako sa aking harapan.
may isang ale na mag-isa rin. parang walang paki-alam sa mundo..
basta ang alam nya eh lasap na lasap sya sa kanyang pagkain.

buti pa yung siopao nya o... may partner na ketsup.

sa kaliwang table ko naman...  may magsing-irog...
na parang pinag-dikit ng glue ang upuan.
eto naman sila o... madaling araw na...
nagsusubuan pa ng kanilang order na noodles.

sinabayan pa talaga ng "it might be you" na music sa back ground.

waaaaaa!!! sabi ko nga wala ako sa mood para sa kilig-kilig na yan noh.
ang gusto ko lang ay kumain...  period.

kaya, tumingin nalang ako sa sarili kong mesa.
at nag umpisang kumain ng congee...habang nilalagyan ng iba pang sangkap na pampalasa.
buti pa 'tong toyo... may kasamang patis.

buti pa yung paminta sa gilid ng mesa... may katabing asin.

buti pa 'tong buchi ko... may partner na filling sa loob... kaya matamis.
buti pa 'tong kape ko... may creamer... kaya sakto ang lasa.

waaaaaa!!!! ano ba naman 'to... tigilan nyo ako ha....

so, tumingin nalang ako sa aking kanan... sa glass window.
napansin kong may isang pulang langgam na nilalasap ang kanyang pagkain...

...na mag-isa.

...'yun ang akala ko.

maya-maya lang... may papalapit din na isang langgam.
nag beso-beso pa ang mga ito ng dumating...
at sabay na silang dalawa nagsalo sa pagkain.
:
sheeeeeet naman...

sana nag take-out nalang ako!!!! ^_^

catch 22

A good friend of mine suddenly keep in touch.
after how many years, finally,we had an update on each other's lives.
the original plan was to just have merienda and watch movie.
but we realized that time wasn't enough...and we just kept talking...and talking.
so we cancelled the movie...which until now i'm dying to watch!

[ oh my ever pirate... Johnny Depp! (^^,)* ]

our quotable quotes: 

Kara:    kabalo ka...i have so many probs right now.

            my life is so stressful!
Me:      sus uy...you're still talkative and jolly...
            you look glowing. you don't look stressed-out noh!
Kara:     yeah, maybe because i'm composed...but i am stressed.
Me:      ako pa siguro...mukhang stressed!
            thank God it's new chapter at last!
            but yah know...i'm still in the midst of picking up the pieces
Kara:    same dilemma jud diay ta karon noh?
            don't worry, we will soon be back on track.
---
Me:      so, howz your love life diay?
Kara:   wala jud koy panahon ana noh!
Me:      sus! unsaon nalang ni...
           when we're finally ready...all good guys are taken already by that time!
Kara:   bitaw noh... matrona na ang labas nako ani puhon...
           as they say... we will be left with good guys who have no money!
Me:      ikaw jud...
           no...we will be left with good guys...who have money... but are gays!
Kara:    hehehe... old maid nalang ko uy!
           then, hanap ko boylet when that happens.
Me:      ala- Madam Auring nalang ba??! hehehe
---
Me:      i could still remember you were foreseen by the batch
           as a future lawyer or politician.
Kara:    bitaw noh... hayyyy... those days.
Me:     lagi...you're very outspoken regarding social issues
           you talk like Miriam Defensor Santiago pa jud! remember?? hehe...
Kara:    i want to try something different
Me:       so, you won't pursue law school anymore??!
Kara:    it's complicated... you, what you wanna pursue?
Me:      (silent....)
---

Me:      so, soul- searching ka rin pala?!
            unsa-on man diay na...?
Kara:   maybe you just think what you really want to do.
           wherein you see meaning on it.
Me:      may signs ba yan when you found it?
Kara:    maybe.
:
-------> it's funny to think that, at that time, we're like two little girls gazing at the sky... waiting for the rainbow to come after the rain.

RYLA summer camp

when i was told by my mom that i was chosen to be one of the
representatives for the RYLA summer camp sponsored by their 
ROTARY Club, i thought it would be just "plain fine". since i love nature, and the "forest" setting, i thought  okay...i'll give it a try for this summer.
i had no preparation at all.

but when i got there, oh my! i did not expect it would be an extraordinary great experience! =)

the delegates were actually young.......and i'm one of those "young at hearts". hehe...

we stayed at Eden Nature Park for 5 days & 4 nights.
and surprisingly, we really had so much fun!


the food: lutong bahay... yum!
the place: oh, to be one with nature...
the people: nice, fun, kalog, witty...
the experience: incomparable! =)

we've gone camping, indiana jones, obstacle course, tree  planting (pine trees), hiking, played sports, lecture,  seminars, presentation, cultural night, bon fire and many more! bongga mga activities, food, and the people!

i enjoyed getting to know with my fellow camp mates.
i was amazed to know that they're very disciplined, driven, fun,

smart, and surely they have a long way to go.

the main purpose of the RYLA summer camp is to train the  delegates to become young leaders, and give awareness for the  betterment of our society.
and i was amazed how the speakers and the "big bosses" of the  Rotary Club shared their insights and knowledge.

i actually had the privileged to have a long conversation with some of them- sharing whatever things that we could think of......
and man, thinking how smart, successful, and not to mention how "big time" they are in their chosen field / businesses- they're actually very humble.
this is what i've been looking for these days. i got so much  inspiration from those people.

it was definitely a FRESH AIR  to breathe. and i was enlightened, have gained so much  knowledge. and the memories would be treasured forever.

the last night of the camp was a memorable one.
we had bon fire and presentation.
after the program, there's disco and sharing each others stories.

when the last day came,we had our Rotary Young Leadership Awards certificates. and the "EUREKA part" wherein each one of us had prepared speeches.

we actually got senti.
for that short span of time, we had bonding and 
made friends with one another.
we felt sad when it's time to part ways...
but time to leave and go back to our different places and home.

it's a wonderful experience.
i really had soooo much fun!
gained insights and knowledge.
i was inspired.
and most importantly,
EUREKA...!!!   i found LIGHT!  (^^,)*

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

it's been years since i wanted to change route,
to pick up the scattered pieces that's been wasted
from time to time and try to make it whole again.


but the waters of pain and frustrations seeped into
the almost dried soil of my being- which supposed to have no room for those negativity any longer.


all i want to do is fly high and free my soul.


but some things just keep on coming
and still won't stop hurting me more,
dragging me before i could begin.

i'm tired... hurt... wounded...

but as the saying goes:
"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

oh well...keep it coming...
perhaps i'll be stronger.
but i'll never be the same again.

senti....friday...

whenever Friday comes, i have this certain thrill within. probably because, when it comes, it means that week-end is coming and you can unwind.

but one thing which makes me excited during Fridays it's because of the FRIDAY MADNESS of Killer Bee... i'm happy whenever i hear them play 90's music...

i get sentimental...

it's the 90's songs remind me of the days when i was much younger...full of dreams..very much driven... i was looking forward for the days ahead.. full of enthusiasm to get what i want in life. those were the days when i hardly notice times slip so fast.. because i was enjoying what i was doing... i was very focused and had this strong goal. it's nice if you're doing what you want and at the same time earn from it.

unlike now, things are really complicated.

i really don't know why it's happening... it's like never ending struggle...gone to waste!

you know the feeling of you really want to do something for you to grow, learn different things which interest you and stir your brain... give you insights, wisdom, and at the same time be a better person and reach for your dreams?

but the more you're trying to move, you realize that some things are dragging you down. it was then you realize that you're lost.

things are ugly…had i known that it would be like this, i would be somewhere.


seriously, i'm in a very slow pacing circumstances.
and honestly, may panghihinayang ako sa sarili ko at this moment...

i could've been better in some things...develop & use my potentials...in some places best for me...


::: today is friday, and i really feel so senti this day...while having the 90's music on the background, reminiscing the past...when things were still great.... i can't help it but cry.  i can't be angry anymore...for the pain is too real that it makes me so  NUMB.
i wish that i'll just cry so hard... turned NUMB, and the numbness will make me INVINCIBLE. all things that's happening at the moment are "bi-polar"... which means i'm either in extreme happiness...or extreme sadness.

yes, i can take the extreme pain at the moment, for i know that the coming days would be different..

yes, i will cry hard now... until my tear ducts ran dry...even up to a point when i get dehydrated from the gallons of tears that i shed.

and soon after that, it would be sun shiny bright... extreme glory.

amen to that.

a tribute to all "DONG" & "DAY"

when i tried chatting on the MiRC (many years ago, i had this conversation that i cannot forget. so our chat conversation goes like this:

the chatter: hi ctc?
me: sure...asl plz..

the chatter: 21/ m / manila.. u?
me: 18 f davao
the chatter: bye. KATULONG!!!
me: wat??? wat do u mean?
the chatter: im not interested. u r a visayan. katulong in short.
me: you narrow-minded moron! so what if i'm a visayan??! it doesn't mean that im a katulong.
the chatter: our household helpers are all visayan.. "opo koya!" hehehehehe....
me: damn it! ur not just insulting me but the whole mindanaoans & visayans as well!!
the chatter: gtg katulong! better do your chores. "opo koya!" hahahahaha...
me: FREAK! GO TO HELL! conyo a$$!!!!!!


goodness! nag-init ulo ko dun ha...
so i stopped for a while and think about that. i mean is that really how those people from luzon think if they know that you came from visayas? or worse from mindanao?

::: so, a while ago when i was having a merienda, the t.v. was tuned to an afternoon koreanovela. (i'm not a fan of it).
of course we all know that the actors/actresses originally speak korean and it’s just dubbed tagalog by filipino dubbers. so there was a scene where the house helper was asked by the "amo" about something.
the helper said "baket koya? ako po ang nag loto nyan kanena" (as: “bakit kuya? ako po ang nag luto nyan kanina”)
darn. even on koreanovela, why the helper should have that "visayan" accent??!!

dina-dubbed na nga sa tagalog ang original korean language nila, ganun pa talaga?!


i mean how many times have you seen on television or even in movies that when a house helper or a "buchaha" talks they all have this exaggerated "visayan accent"???!
is this a stereotype that all the visayan are helpers??!

naiinis lang ako dun everytime may nakikita at naririnig akong ganun. it's somehow a little bit offensive, dont you think?

im not against being a house helper or something. in fact i admire them for having a decent job, which infact it is a hard job.
and there's nothing wrong about being visayan/mindanaoan. considering that there are so many great leaders and brilliant people whom we look up to... who are visayan/mindanaoan...countless of them for that matter....after all, we're all the same... living in the same country! i myself is a proud true blue-davaowenya.

it's okay if we sometimes laugh and not make a big deal about some people's articulation imperfections....but NOT to a point of generalizing that all visayans are like "that"... it's just not right....diba, mga dong ug day???

MABUHAY ang mga BISAYA!!! hehehehe....

HO...HO...& HU...HU... holidays

HO...HO...HO...

Yuletide season gives me certain high...
the food…the cold breeze…etc.
i like the feeling of wrapping gifts for our relatives, pamangkins, my mom's inaanak. seeing the faces of those little kids lighten up when they receive simple present gives a pure joy. and of course, the feeling of unwrapping gifts gives a different bliss too. hehe... Christmas and New Year ’s Day were celebrated w/my whole family..relatives...cousins...& friends... we were pigging out, had drinking sessions, having fun,& never slept whole night on both occassions!(^^,)*

HU...HU...HU...
and now... the season has come to an end.
back to do the work that has been long pending! i still have to make our thesis! the whole 5 chapters is assigned to me! and it should be done in like what.....? 2 days!! unbelievable! not to mention, we also have to implement our design project which is really complicated! which i don't like to think about...  but if we can't make it....sorry for us then...argh!!!! (oh God... forbid!) and many other projects on the long queue! tsk,tsk,tsk...
no articles for the school paper,no updates (for a month) on my written personal journal that i've been keeping for years!
house helper is still on vacation...who's gonna clean the house..? who's gonna do the dishes...? the laundry..? eyes on me...huwaaat??! i haven't clean my very own room!!!! my dirty clothes are piled up inside my room! it's a total disaster these days! hehehe...
(opo... manlimpyo lagi ko, Ma...) hehe... ;)
regardless of those things that should be done, what I’m doing now is relaxing... haha! well...i can't really blame my self.. i don't know why i got tired easily...hahay...it's because of the cold weather... and my back aches too! perhaps, the effect of over sleeping?! hehehe...
i wake up at noon...eat my  brunch...dvd marathon…sleep again...wake-up…lakwatsa…. hmmm...i think im becoming a sloth! im aware of that! so, i try drinking a lot of coffee just to keep me awake! it should give me that “kick” but i  guess it never works on me....

well... forget those things for a while (atleast just for this break) 'coz the top list on my new year's resolution is not to be harsh on myself, and  to spoil my self just a little bit more... (so selfless noh? hehehe...)
since this is the year that i've been long anticipating for...
gamay antos nalang jud.... yahoooooo!!!

it's a HO...HO...HO holidays after all...

HAPPY 2007 to all!!!!